Wondering Why
by 100FACES
Summary: When Casey tries to commit suicide she leaves a trail of devestation and pain, all leading up to the ultimate question: Why? She's soon admitted to a mental health unit, where she must learn how to deal with the pain and questions of life.
1. Chapter 1

Author's note: Well m'dears, if you have anything against suicide, I honestly don't know why you're reading this. Anyways, I hope you like this story, emo as it is. I plan on putting some kind of pairing in this story but I haven't decided what yet. Anyways, read on.

Disclaimer: The closest thing to a television series I own is a music video me and my friend made in grade nine.

She stumbles into her apartment searching for the vodka. She's no drinker; she's not that kind of person…usually. But tonight is an exception, for tonight she has all the reason in the world to get drunk as hell. It's just a case, isn't it? Things happen, it wasn't her fault, she knows that, but she still feels bad. Her heart aches and her head throbs, she just wants the bloody alcohol.

She searches frantically for her salvation. As her fingers slide around the bottle at long last, she feels relieved. She drinks straight from the bottle, not minding the taste. It feels nice and warm as it travels down her throat. Almost immediately her body relaxes her muscles un-tense. All is well.

She checks her phone messages. There are three messages from Olivia who was asking if she was alright and why she didn't go for a drink with them tonight. All is well though, she has her drink in her hands. Nothing matters, nothing at all. She smiles to herself. The world didn't need her, not really. There would be other ADAs. Perhaps if she left then Alex would return. That wouldn't be so bad, the squad would stop missing her soon enough. The world was moving on its own, she wasn't going to change that.

Her love life was completely none-existent, so she knew that there'd be no problems there. Her friends could move on, they were all strong. She was good at her job, had a fantastic prosecution rate and liked what she did. But she didn't like the pain she saw, some where along the line the pain of the victims had started rubbing off on her. The world didn't need her; the world was already too screwed up for her to do anything about it.

But there's more of course, there's the dark secret she never told anyone. Not even Liv. Perhaps she's ashamed; perhaps she just doesn't want anyone to pity her. Either way no one knows, and as fast as she's concerned, no one ever will know.

And there's this little dark thought in the back of her head, one that's been nagging her for a while now. What if she left it all behind?

The thing is once you've thought about suicide once; the thought doesn't leave too easily. Eventually everything becomes a game of, could I use that to kill myself? What if I jumped in front of that car? Maybe I should blow my brains out…Of course there's more to it than that. Everything bad that happens becomes just another reason to do it. I lost the case; I guess I should kill myself. I called Liv a bitch; I guess I should kill myself. I came late for work; I guess I should kill myself.

She takes another few chugs of vodka. She's drunk and her better judgment is pretty much none-existent right now. So she really ought to kill herself. She'll never find true love, she's a terrible person, she tells herself, and so she doesn't deserve love anyways. The world will go on without her. The world is a dark and evil place, and she can't ever change that. So she better just leave it all behind. And then there's that voice nagging her…_I can't believe you let him get away. How could you do this to me? _She should have tried harder, she could have done better…and now it's too late. She fucked up and is fucked up.

So really, now it's just a matter of how to do it. She could jump off her building, but that might not work. She could slit her wrists, but her blade's not sharp enough. She could hang herself, but she has no rope. She could take pills…yes, that could work.

She goes through her cupboards looking for anything she might be able to use. She places all the pill bottles on her counter and grabs a bowl. She's got Aspirin, Tylenol, sleeping pills, and some kind of pill for heart burns. She pours some of each into the bowl. As she takes the bowl to her room she plays with all the pills, smiling slightly. She takes the glass of water from her night stand. At first she only takes them one at a time but soon finds that she can take multiple pills at once.

Once she swallows them all she begins to write… _I'm so sorry…_A few tears drop on the pages, she gulps back her tears, finding an odd happiness in the fact that it's finally over. A few more tears fall, but they're different this time, they're happy tears. For the first time in so long she's happy. Her hair is sticking to her face, her mascara is running, and she's going to die. That's all that matters. She's happy now. So she falls asleep.

It's over.

Thank God.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Has anyone seen Casey?" Olivia asks concerned since Casey didn't return her calls.

"No, isn't she supposed to helping us with this case?" Munch complains.

Elliot just shrugs. Fin's eyes narrow. "Where is that girl?" he asks.

Cragen walks in, as if on cue. "Where's Casey? She was supposed to meet me in my office a half an hour ago," he says looking around the room. Everyone sort of shrugs helplessly. Cragen sighs. "Can one of you call her?" Olivia of course agrees and pulls out her phone. She dials Casey's number and waits. _Ring, Ring, Ring, Ring, Click!_

"Hello, you've reached Casey Novak, I'm sorry that I'm not available right now, please leave a message and I'll get back to you as soon as possible."

Olivia closes her phone and furrows her brow. Cragen looks concerned. Before Olivia can ask to go check on Casey he just nods and says, "Go."

"Thanks," she murmurs before grabbing her car keys and heading out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

She arrives at Casey's apartment and knocks on the door a few times. No one answers. "Casey, this is me, Liv!" she yells. No one answers. "Casey if you don't open up the door right now, I'll smash it open myself!" No one answers. She smashes the door open and stumbles through the threshold.

She searches Casey's apartment. She enters Casey's room. She gasps. Casey's lying on the bed lifeless, a few pills scattered around her and letters lying at her feet. Olivia quickly rushes to her friend. She cradles Casey in her arms, whispering words she knows Casey won't hear. There's vomit in Casey's mouth and all over the bed. She checks for a pulse, by miracle it's faint, but still there. She strokes Casey's hair a few times, begging her to magically wake up, but she doesn't, Olivia knew she wouldn't, anyways.

She takes out her cell phone and calls an ambulance. And then she waits. When the ambulance arrives, she doesn't leave Casey's side. Tears stream down her face and burn her skin. She feels as if her throats closing in and all of the sudden she can't breathe. A nurse comes to her aid and strokes her back, telling her to try and calm down.

Olivia screams and smashes her hands against the floor of Casey's apartment. The nurse doesn't look alarmed, she's probably seen this all before. "I need you to breathe, your friend needs you to breathe," the nurse explains. Olivia sobs and falls into the nurse's arms. The nurse pats her back of few times until she's calmed down slightly. Then the nurse helps her get into the ambulance with Casey and soon they're speeding off to the nearest hospital.

Olivia holds her friend's hand until one of the ambulance workers say they need to put a needle in it. Reluctantly she lets go. She sighs and watches at the needle dives into Casey's flesh, and how Casey's unconscious face doesn't even flinch.

And as they drive towards the hospital, even when they get there, with Olivia sobbing all the way, not once does anyone tell her it'll be okay. Not once does anyone say that it'll turn out for the best. Not once does anyone say Casey will survive. And all Olivia can wonder is what went wrong. Why she failed to protect her best friend. Why Casey did it. Nothing makes sense anymore. Nothing at all.

Author's note: Alright, I hope you liked it, tell me what you thought. As the story progresses the reason for what Casey did is going to become more and more clear, you'll see. If you have any specific pairings that you want then tell me, I'd prefer pairings that include Casey and not something totally random lol.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Alright guys, here's the next chapter. I've narrowed down the list of possible pairings. These are my favorites so far: Casey/Munch, Casey/Elliot, and Casey/Alex or possibly Casey/new character (someone she meets in the hospital. Tell me your favorite and your least favorite pairings and I'll try to accommodate to your needs.  Anyways I hope you enjoy this next installment of Wondering Why.

Special thanks to all the people who reviewed! Warm fuzzies go out to all of you! Hopefully I can manage to keep the number of reviews going strong (but I'll need your help for that, lol.)

Disclaimer: I'm offering Dickie a trade, my music video, for Law and Order SVU. So far he hasn't returned my calls, so unfortunately the show still belongs to him. Bastard.

"How is she?" Don asks.

Olivia's eyes fall to the ground. "She went into a coma sometime last night. The doctors think she'll get out of it but that when that happens her body might go into shock. They're doing everything they can to avoid that, for now, anyways. I don't know…I try not to ask why anymore," she mutters. "They had to pump her stomach and everything….God; they said there had to be hundreds of pills in there. How…"

He sighs and sits down beside Casey's bed. The hospital chairs are awkward and uncomfortable, and no matter how hard he tries, he can't seem to stop fidgeting. "I don't know what were gonna do now, Liv. I need a favor from you though; I need you to call up Alex. We need someone to replace Casey for the moment, and I don't want some rookie lawyer doing the job."

"But Captain, Alex would have to quit her current job!"

"I know I'm being selfish, but I can't allow this unit to be destroyed by this. Besides, Casey might be able to get back soon. Alex can just take a leave of absence from her current job, right?" he asks. He's not being himself, for he's not the type of person to ask such a huge favor.

"I'll tell her we need her, but I'm not pressuring her into anything."

"Okay, that's fine."

"Do the others know yet? Munch, Elliot, Fin, and Chester?"

"Yes, I had to tell them, Olivia, I couldn't keep this from them."

She nods. "That's fine. I'm sure Casey would want them to know anyways."

"Well, I have to go. Keep an eye on her."

"I will."

And then he leaves. She exhales slowly, wondering whether or not she's even going to talk to Alex. Her eyes fall onto Casey's face. There is a tube going into one of Casey's nostrils and an IV stuck inside her left hand. She wants to reach out and pull them away; she doesn't want Casey to be some patient. And she wonders, she wonders and wonders, what went wrong.

XXXXXXXXXX

It's Munch's turn to watch over Casey, not officially of course, but he knows it's due time for Olivia to be relieved of her duties. He enters Casey's room and sees Olivia asleep. He smiles for a moment, before he sees Casey and remembers why he's there. He shakes Olivia awake, careful to be gentle.

"John?"

"I've come to replace you," he states.

"Casey's out of her coma, I was going to call you guys but…"

"You fell asleep instead."

"Yeah." She runs a hand through her hair and smiles sadly. "She's still unconscious though, but the doctors are hopeful."

"Are you hopeful?"

"I don't know I don't know anything anymore. Even if she survives this, what's to say she won't do it again?"

"We'll get her help, Liv. Cragen arranged with the hospital to get a psychiatrist to evaluate her. If the psychiatrist thinks it's necessary then she'll have to stay in the pysch ward for a while."

"Do you think that a psychiatric ward is the place for her, John?"

"No, but I don't think work is either. She needs help, Liv…I don't want to lose her, and I think…maybe she does need to get help."

Olivia sighs, nodding. She grabs her jacket and slides her arms through the sleeves. "Yeah. Well, I'm going to go home and rest for a while. Will I see you at work tomorrow?"

"Yeah, probably. I think someone else will be watching over Casey tomorrow anyways."

"Okay. Well, bye."

"Bye, Liv." Olivia exits the room, leaving Munch alone with Casey. He stares at her sleeping form, urged to shake her awake. He wants her to marvelously awaken and tell him it was all some terrible mistake, that's she's fine. But he's no idiot, he knows that wont happen and so all he can do is watch.

He feels obliged to say something, to do anything, to make this all better. The team can't go through loosing another ADA, another friend, and neither can he. The room he is in, is quite plain. The walls are all white and the sheets are, too. There's only one window, which looks out into the parking lot a few stories below. There's also a television, so he turns it on and flicks through the channels.

Once every hour a nurse comes in and checks on Casey. At noon her blood is taken, to see how polluted it is. It's been two days since Casey did it. Two days since she hasn't woken up. He wonders idly where she really is now. Is she dreaming? Or is she far away, in another world?

A male nurse named James approaches Munch. "Are you a member of Casey's family?" he asks.

"Yes," Munch responds. And it's true; too, Casey really is family to him.

"Well, things seem to be looking up. The last blood test showed that her toxin levels have gone down a bit. However her liver has sustained pretty serious damage, if the toxin level in her blood isn't acceptable by tomorrow we're going to have to have a liver transplant."

"Oh, God," he mutters hoping it wont turn out that serious. "How likely do you think the possibility of her not needing a transplant is?"

"It's hard to say at the moment," says James. "But as I said, it's looking up," then adds in a more serious tone. "It's a miracle she's alive though."

Munch sighs; he knows that the nurse is right. It's a miracle Casey is alive. Perhaps somewhere out there, someone knew it wasn't her time to go. Now all he can do is hope, hope that things will turn out fine. "Thanks."

"No problem," James replies, he checks the IV machine to make sure it's still working properly and then leaves.

Munch takes Casey's hand, the one with the IV stuck in it. He squeezes it slightly, but not too hard. She's so delicate right now, so young, so, so, young. How could this happen. Perhaps his touch awakened her, he's not sure, but suddenly she's steering. Her eyes flutter open. He wonders what she's thinking as she realizes she's alive.

She's just confused though. She doesn't know how she got there, and assumes she must have been attacked. For a while, she doesn't say anything, and then it suddenly comes flooding back. The pills, oh God, the pills.

"John…" she begins, but finds herself too weak to say anything else. Tears fall down her cheeks, and she can't wipe them away. She doesn't know where to begin, and even if she did, she doesn't know whether or not she'd have the physical and emotional strength to say it.

He pats her face dry with a sheet. "It's okay," he says, but her ears are buzzing and she can't hear him. Why can't she hear him, why? She wants to tell him something has gone wrong, that her hearing might be ruined, but finds she's too weak. He seems to understand though.

He presses the red button to alert the nurse. James comes quickly. "Ah, I see she's woken up."

"Yeah. Something's wrong though. She's not responding to anything I say, I…"

"That's just the affect of all those pills combined, aspirin in particular does that too you. Her hearing should be back soon enough though."

"Oh," he replies feeling silly for getting so worried. James leaves to attend to another patient. John exhales and turns to Casey, who's looking at him, begging for his pity, for him to understand. She was drunk, that was all, and depressed…and….

"I'm sorry," she says in a weak raspy voice.

He looks at her sadly, murmuring that everything will be okay, even though he knows she can't hear him. He wants her to know he's there for her, that everyone's there for her. He bends down to kiss her on the forehead, and somehow, somehow this makes her feel just a little bit better. Perhaps, when she's feeling better he'll explain to her how big of a help Olivia was. And perhaps, the thought of her best friend saving her life, will make Casey feel better.

He'll spend the night, just as Olivia did, and tomorrow, Elliot will come in to replace him. And soon the whole squad will make their rounds. Maybe it will help for Casey to see how much everyone cares about her. But Munch doesn't know for sure. When he's father killed himself, it was all over, his father had succeeded and there was no way of making things better. But now, in a somewhat similar situation Casey had lived, and it's completely new territory for Munch. So he just holds her hand, trying to tell her that somehow, someway, everything will be okay.

Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. What if it's _not okay_?

Author's note: Well, you sexy beasts, tell me what you thought! Don't forget to tell me which pairings you'd hate to see and which ones you'd love to see, too. I'll try to pick the best pairing possible, but I warn you, no threats. If you say you won't read unless I do or don't do a specific pairing then I'll probably just ignore you. LOL. I'm a bitch, what can I say? I love all my readers though, don't forget that! 


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: The polls are in. The most popular pairing is Elliot/Casey, second Casey/new character, third Alex/Casey and last Casey/Munch. This kind of surprised me because aside from EO, JC is the most popular pairing out there. Anyways, you have one last chance to tell me your favorite and least favorite pairing; by next chapter I'll tell you the final decision. Anyways, hope you like this next installement of Wondering Why.

Special thanks to my reviewers, even though I got less reviews than I did for the first chapter, I was still pleased with the reviews I did get. So thank you all very much.

Disclaimer: I don't own Law and Order SVU, hope that's cool.

PS. Thank you to famous songwriter Imogen Heap whose song, "Clear the Area" inspired this story.

Her hearing is slowly coming back, and although she doesn't want to admit it, she is glad not to be alone. Munch is there still, watching over her, protecting her. A part of her knows that he's scared out of his mind. He doesn't want to lose her, because she's family. She wants to go back in time. Perhaps if she hadn't been so drunk she wouldn't have done it, or she would have done a better job.

Every morsel of her body begs to die. She is glad not to be alone though, for she knows if she were left alone she'd pull out the IV. So far though she has to say that aside from going through withdrawal waking up and having the tube pulled out of her nose was by far the worst hospital experience she's ever had. She keeps on getting strong migraines, although that's not uncommon; her body had so many pills in it that know it thinks it needs them. Now she's going through withdrawal. It's not fair.

She falls asleep frequently, but doesn't dream. She's too tired to dream, too sick to care. It's starting to get dark outside and she feels bad. Not for what she did, because really, she had to do it. But because everyone cares so much. Why do they have to care, why?

"Go home, Munch, you need to sleep," she whispers. She's snug in her hospital bed, buried underneath her sheets.

He shakes his head; her hearing isn't fully back yet, so there's no use in talking. He won't leave, not until someone else comes to watch over her. James the nurse comes in to check on Casey. He looks from her to Munch. "You two don't look like you're related," he says with a smirk.

"You never asked if we were related."

"I asked if you were her family."

"I am her family."

"Okay," James says, he's not about to press the issue. He pauses for a moment and then begins to talk again. "Do you plan on staying the night?"

"Yes," Munch replies.

"I can get you a bed."

Munch is surprised; he half expected to be kicked out of the hospital for not being Casey's blood relative. "Thanks."

James nods and leaves the room to get a bed. James is a young guy, younger than Casey. He's probably in his 30s. Perhaps it's his youth that prevents him from kicking Munch out. Because maybe he isn't so jaded yet, maybe he's young enough to realize when rules are too foolish to follow. But Munch knows that not everyone is going to be so considerate. It's a certain thing that eventually Casey won't be getting any more visits from her friends.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot arrives at 8 the next morning. He brings two coffees with him, one for Munch and one for himself. Casey can't have coffee of course, because even though she begs for caffeine the doctors' won't allow it. She takes a few sips of the men's drinks when they're not looking, relinquishing in the taste of starbucks coffee.

Munch leaves, giving Casey a quick peck on the cheek before saying goodbye. She doesn't bother eating breakfast, although she hasn't eating in days. She knows Elliot will probably punish her by making her eat an entire hospital meal at lunch time, but she doesn't mind. She drifts off to sleep.

This time she dreams. She dreams she's 12 years old and _it's_ happening. Fear is flooding through her veins and humiliation is written across her face. And suddenly, as suddenly as she fell asleep, she is awake again.

It's a new nurse, whose name tag reads 'Kristy'. It takes Casey a moment to realize it but when she does she's surprised to find she can hear perfectly again. Kristy smiles at her. "Where would you like me to take blood from? I see you've got a bruise on you wrist, so would you like me to take it from your arm?"

"No, do my wrist," she says. She doesn't know why she says it. She doesn't know anything anymore. Kristy agrees laughing about how women always hate to get bruises.

"Okay, I'll check back with you guys in a while to tell you the results of the blood test."

Elliot nods and asks when lunch is. On cue lunch arrives and he gives Casey an evil grin. Kristy shakes her head, laughing to herself, and leaves.

"Great," Casey says. He doesn't need to even explain. Lunch today is macaroni and beef. She grumbles something about the state of the hospital food. Trying to be brave she takes a bite and nearly gags. But Elliot's giving her The Look so she manages to eat it all, washing down each and every bite with a swig of orange juice.

She doesn't want to eat the desert which is a piece brown bread that looks all watery. Nor does she want to eat the soup, namely because there's a black thing floating in it. Elliot doesn't think it's wise to eat the soup either, but he doesn't say anything. He grins slightly and reads the newspaper.

"Hey check this out," he says, pointing to her zodiac sign. "Take the first bite of something that seems horrible, because it just may lead to better times."

"Very funny," she replies, chewing the grotesque dessert. "I see it says nothing about eating this soup though."

"Mmm, that's unfortunate. I guess you'll just have to eat it anyways to see what happens."

Luckily the nurse Kristy hears this and comes to her rescue. "I have the results of your blood test. Although the toxin levels aren't perfect they have gotten significantly better, which means no transplant."

"_Partyyy_," Elliot says. Kristy gives him a dark look and continues.

"Doctor Rose will be in here at 3:00. She's going to give you a psychiatric evaluation. Is that alright?"

"No, but I suppose I have no choice."

"No," Elliot says. "You really don't."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Elliot needs to get back to his family. So he kisses Casey goodbye and calls up Fin. Fin has no problem coming to relieve Elliot of his duties. He knows that Kathy is going in to the hospital herself, for a check-up on the baby.

Fin arrives a few minutes before the psychiatrist. "Sweetie, I'm here for you okay? If you don't like that doctor, you just tell me."

"I'll be fine, Fin. Don't worry."

"You answer the Doctor's questions though, okay?"

"I will, don't worry."

Silence. The seconds on the clock tick back. The door is close, Fin likes it closed, more privacy that way. It's bright and sunny outside. Silence.

Knocking. He goes to answer the door. A middle aged woman is there dressed in a white hospital uniform and wearing horn-rimmed glasses.

"I'm Doctor Rose. I've come to speak with Casey," she explains. There are creases beside her eyes and her hair is beginning to gray. She looks at Fin and then Casey. "How is it that the two of you are related?" she asks.

"We're not," says Fin, stating the obvious. "In case you haven't noticed I'm-

"I have noticed, actually. I'm afraid you'll have to leave the room immediately, only family is allowed in here with the patient."

"I am family."

"Leave," she insists. Fin does as he's told, although reluctantly. Doctor Rose closes the door behind him, giving the door a sour look, as if it's the door's fault.

"He's family," Casey insists.

"Miss Novak, you'll soon learn the rules of the hospital I'm afraid. I'm sorry but you won't be seeing any of your friends during your visit here."

"Why not?"

"We don't want you to have any outside influences. We'll give a call to your real family, to notify them of what happened."

She looks at the psychiatrist in horror. "I'm an adult, I have my rights," she says, the lawyer in her springing forth. "You want be calling my so called family unless you want a law suit."

"This isn't appropriate, Casey."

"Don't call my family."

"Why not?"

"Because if you do call them, then I'll have your career ruined in an instant."

The psychiatrist looks at her questioningly. It's obvious, blatantly obvious that Casey is trying to hide something. But she's not about to disobey the lawyer, because even though they both know Casey wouldn't succeed in sending Rose to jail, she would succeed in ruining her career.

"Very well. However, when it comes to your friends, seeing them is a privilege that you're going to earn. The healthier you become to longer visits you'll get with them."

"Uh-huh."

"Now that we have that cleared up I have a few questions that I'm going to ask you."

"Well, ask them then."

"How old are you?"

"Old."

"Why do you say that?"

"If you knew what I saw every day, then you'd understand," Casey says bitterly.

"What do you mean?"

"I'm a lawyer for Manhattan Special Victims unit. I deal with kids being abused and innocent people being raped every day."

"That must be hard on you."

"Go figure."

The doctor sighs and jots down a few notes on her clipboard. "Are you pregnant or in any sort of relationship?" Rose asks.

"You honestly think I could hold up a real relationship?"

More jotting down notes. "Are you pregnant or not?"

"Based on my earlier answer I can safely say, no."

"Have you been abused?"

Silence. For a while she doesn't answer. She doesn't want to answer. She can't answer. "No."

"You took awhile to answer, why is that?"

"I don't know," Casey mutters.

"Do you have any life-threatening illness?"

"No. Other than what I want to do to myself, no."

Casey is angry. She wants to burst forth from her bed and scream her lungs out. But she doesn't. Instead she lies still on her bed awaiting the doctor's next question.

"Do you ever get thoughts of harming others?"

"No," she replies, although she can understand why someone with her job would.

"Do you hear voices, see things, or smell things that aren't there?"

"Only in my nightmares," she explains.

"I understand you made a pretty serious suicide attempt; can you tell me why you did that?" Rose questions.

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't know why I did it."

"Well, for your safety I think were going to have to admit you to our psychiatric ward. For a while you won't be getting any visitors; that's something you have to earn. The average stay is about two weeks, but yours may be longer considering the severity of your attempt."

Casey's eyes narrow. "I didn't agree to go to some funny farm."

The doctor nods. "No, but I think you will. You know this is hurting your friends, you know you're ill, don't you?"

Casey swallows. "Yes, I do know. But," she argues. "I don't have the money for that kind of thing."

"Actually, you do. Mental Healthcare is a benefit of your job. I had this all checked out already."

"Fine," Casey says, breathing in hard. "I'll go."

"Good, just sign these papers."

Author's note: Okay I hope you guys liked it. Please review, because it's so nice to hear from you guys. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Besides, it takes a lot of research to do a story like this. Okay, maybe not a lot, but research nonetheless. So reviews would be a nice reward, lol. Anyways, you guys rock, Peace Out.

PS. Remember this is your last chance to notify me of which pairings you want.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Sorry it's taken me a few days to update, I've been busy what with Halloween and what not. The polls are in and it looks like Casey/Elliot won! I'm sorry for all you who are disappointed by this. I'm going to make sure this story isn't only about their relationship though; it's really about the whole squad. There'll be a lot of bonding moments with people other than Elliot, too, so don't worry. I'm even going to throw in some Alex/Casey friendship. Anyways I hope you guys continue to like this story.

Thank you to all my reviewers, you are all sexy and wonderful.

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

"You'll have to change into these," a nurse says, handing Casey a set of hospital gowns. The nurse gives her a wicked grin. "Hey, at least you get to wear pants, trust me, if you were working here before, when all we had were the gowns, you'd be grateful."

"Yeah, well, I'm sure it wasn't so bad."

"Men walking around in gowns? Not so bad, huh?"

Casey smirks at the nurse. She likes her. The nurse doesn't have a name tag on, which worries Casey slightly. "Why don't you have a nametag?"

"Sweetie, you get some real weirdoes in this ward, people who might want to stalk you, and you don't want to have your real name on display."

"How do I know you're a real nurse then?"

The nurse pulls out a chain from underneath her scrubs (A note from the author: Nurses in psych wards don't wear scrubs, they can wear whatever the devil they want, I just thought it would be cool). Attached to the chain is a name tag, one that reads, Alison Psychiatric Nurse. "Don't tell anyone about this," Alison says, winking.

Casey gives a sort of half smile and heads to the bathroom to get changed. She gets two gowns and a pair of pants. First she puts on one gown, which leaves an open space at her back, so she assumes the other one is used as a sort of jacket, to cover up. The pants however totally confuse her. It's like they're reversible or something, how on earth are you supposed to wear these things? She puts them on, realizes she has them backwards and tries again. When at last she succeeds she goes out to see Alison.

"Well, aren't you looking spiffy?" Alison says laughing.

"Haha," Casey mutters dryly.

Alison doesn't say anything, just motions for Casey to follow her. Casey is led to a set of electronic doors; Alison uses a card key to open them. Beyond those doors is yet another set of doors, but all you have to do is turn the handle for them to open. And then, in a less dramatic way than she had imagined, Casey gets her first look at a psychiatric ward.

No one rushes at her with a knife or yells at her to leave, in fact, no one says anything at all.

The ward isn't too big, it's actually quite small. There are 14 doors that Casey can see, most of them look like they're patients rooms. There are two bathrooms, one for males and one for females. This surprises Casey; she didn't think she'd be in a ward with males. One door reads 'Shower' and another hangs ajar and is obviously the staffs Office. Another is the Recreation room, and the one beside it has nothing at all written on it. And the last has 'Quiet' painted onto it.

For the most part the walls are white, although you get an occasional glimpse of failed paint jobs. "I'm going to show you to your room now, okay? It's room 6."

Casey nods, but says nothing. She's looking around for the other patients, wondering where they all are. She hears no voice, not even a whisper in the small little ward. She wonders just how crazy the other patients are. A part of her wonders if her fiancé ever got help, although, she quickly kills that part of her because she knows better than to dream such dreams.

She enters her room. It's an empty, single bed room, she half-expected there to be cameras in it, but spots none. The bed has no blanket, just sheets and a small pillow. Behind the bed is a window that's barred on the outside. You could probably open it a smidgen, but because of the bars you'd never be able to escape through it. There's also a blue closet, that's all locked up.

"What do you think?" Alison asks.

"It's bleak."

"That's good, if you had liked it, then I'd be worried." Alison is probably about Casey's age, with shoulder length brown hair and almond shaped eyes. She however, doesn't look like a nurse; she looks more like a model. And standing next to her, in a hospital gown, with no make-up and hair that hasn't been brushed since she arrived at the hospital, Casey looks like a mess. "I'm going to go get you a little questionnaire to fill out. You'll have to fill out things like this every week or so."

"Okay." And that's it. Casey's left alone with her thoughts. A few moments' later Alison returns with a pen and the questionnaire before leaving Casey again. The questions are just mandatory things, the same things the psychiatrist had asked her, really. What did you do to get yourself in here? _You mean you don't know?_ Why did you do it? _If I knew, I probably wouldn't be in here in the first place._

She sighs and finishes writing quickly. She's always hated paper work and being in here hasn't changed that one bit. To her, all this signing and answering and explaining, it's all just paperwork, useless really. But of course, one must keep in mind that she's ill. Somewhere, deep down inside she understands the utmost importance of her being where she is. But she refuses to admit to it.

Eventually Alison comes in and retrieves the pen and paper. "Just so you understand, you'll be talking to the staff more than you will be talking to Doctor Rose, so if there's ever anything you want to say, you don't have to wait, just tell me."

"Thanks, but that's alright."

"Would you like to come and eat dinner with the other patients?"

"Won't they kill me?"

Alison actually chuckles, finding the humor in Casey's sarcasm, which actually surprises Casey. "No, I don't think they will. We don't typically get many violent people in here, you'd be surprised," Alison explains. "They're just normal people really, Casey. If you ask me, we all need some mental help."

"I don't think it's wise to eat the food here."

"Neither do I, but don't tell anyone I said that, it's our little secret."

"Why aren't you the little rule breaker?" Casey says rolling her eyes.

XXXXXXXXXXX

The squad is suffering. Of course, everyone knew that would happen. And they wonder, they wonder if Casey knew, too. They wonder if she understands what she's done to them. How could she leave them when they all loved her so much? How?

The world however is still turning, despite their despair. Women and occasionally, men, are still being raped. Children are still being abused. And they're still the ones called upon to fix things. They scarcely even have time to fix their own lives and yet somehow they must be the heroes.

Each of their minds contains a world of darkness, a black sea of despair. Somehow though, somehow there is hope, too. At least Casey is getting help, it could be worse, she could have succeeded.

But they can't stop thinking about it…they just can't.

Elliot is having another child. Everyone knows it, everyone feels sorry for him. But he doesn't worry; he knows the child will be wonderful and perfect. He's just worried about Casey, how could he not be? Like anyone would, he cares about her deeply. He wants her to be all better and to return to the squad. He just wishes she wouldn't have done it, that she wouldn't have gone in for help and left them, is that so selfish?

He can't stop thinking about it. He can't no matter how hard he tries all he can think about is how close they came to losing Casey, and he doesn't even know why. It's not as if he and Casey were incredibly close to begin with, but they were friends, and that must count for something.

Olivia certainly isn't taking the recent events well, and the case she has right now isn't helping any. There's also the matter of calling up Alex, which she hasn't done yet. She probably should get onto that. The whole squad is getting annoyed with having a new ADA every day.

She goes to Cragen's office. She knocks on the door. Elliot keeps an ear open, wondering what's up now.

"Come in," Cragen says. "Oh, Olivia, what's up?"

"I'm going home early."

He nods. He doesn't comment on the fact that she never goes home early. He understands. He knows. Elliot doesn't hear what Cragen says but assumes he let Olivia go home when Olivia packs up to leave.

He sighs, hoping Olivia's okay. He can't lose his best friend of all people, not again. There's a certain Deja-vu that hits him, the memory of when Olivia decided she wanted a new partner. She just got up and left one day, and that was it, she was gone.

And now Casey…alive, but not quite there. Like a ghost that haunts him. It's her fault, it her fault that now she's all he can think of. It's all her fault.

XXXXXXXXXXX

It's Alex's day off. She's just relaxing. Reading. She doesn't get many days off and she's not about to waste this precious time running about. Someone is knocking on her door. She's surprised. She told her friends not to bother her today.

She answers the door anyways.

"Alex," Olivia says as soon as the door opens. "Alex. I need your help."

Olivia doesn't understand how things have come to this. This point in which she is at Alex's door begging help, yet somehow, here she is. Her eyes show a certain pleading which is easily recognizable to Alex-a certain state of desperateness which Alex hasn't seen in Olivia since that fateful day when she left for witness protection.

"What's happened?"

"I need your help. We need you to come back."

"Sit down, Liv," Alex says, immediately worried. "Tell me what happened."

"It's Casey. She's in the hospital."

"Oh."

"She tried to kill herself…and I…I found her."

_Like you saved me, _Alex thinks, but she doesn't voice this thought. "How is she doing?"

"She's alive," Olivia explains. "But she's going to a psychiatric ward. I didn't want to ask you this. Cragen did. But can you come back? Please, we need you. It would only be for a while, and then you could go back to your regular job."

She grabs Olivia's hand and pulls her into a hug. "You know I'd do anything for you. But I don't know if I can physically do this. I mean, how would I explain my absence?"

"I…I don't know. You're the boss, couldn't you just put someone else in charge for a little while."

Alex lets go of Olivia. "I don't know I'll see what I can do."

XXXXXXXXXXX

"Everyone, this is Casey. Could you all introduce yourselves?" Alison announces.

"Hi," Casey says meekly.

"I'm Georgia, I'm the loud one," A girl in her early twenties announces.

"You can call me Will," says a boy who looks to be about Casey's age. Casey can't help but wonder if he's implying that his name isn't in fact Will, but she says nothing.

"I'm Jessica," says another girl, one who also looks quite young.

There are four other patients there, other than Casey, but one hasn't spoken yet. "Could you please tell our new friend who you are?" Alison says, it's not a question, it's a command.

The man says nothing.

"Don't worry," Georgia says. "He never says anything."

"Georgia, please only speak when spoken to," Alison says. She waits a moment for the man to say his name. Still nothing, she sighs, clearly she's been defeated. "That's James."

Casey recognizes the name for an instant and is reminded of the male nurse who's name was James. But it's not the same person, that's for sure. James looks like he's in his 20s but has one of those faces that make it impossible to guess his exact age. He could well be 50 for all Casey knows. He has black eyes and dark brown hair that falls over his face. There is something utterly fascinating about him. Perhaps it's the fact that he hasn't said anything, it gives him a mysterious aura. He's both old and young, quiet, yet his presence is loud.

But Casey is quickly distracted by Will who is suggesting they all play cards. "It's a tradition that we all play Ass Hole to welcome new patients," He explains.

"Call it President, Will," Alison scorns.

"Do you know how to play?" Georgia asks.

Casey nods, and sits down. It's amazing, how if she had met these people on the street she would have never of guessed there to be something wrong with them. James says nothing but joins them. No one has to really be invited to play. They just play.

"Can we watch America's Next Top model?" Jessica asks.

"I'm not watching that shit," Will says.

"Are you serious?" Georgia asks.

"I don't think that show is appropriate," Alison says. Alison's word is final. They all continue with their card game. At a couple of points throughout the night different nurses and Social workers arrive and play cards with them. They are never left alone together. Never.

"How old are you?" Casey asks Jessica, who appears no older than 16 or so. She asks because it's an adult unit and Jessica seems so young.

"No personal information," says a social worker. Like Alison, their word is final. And so everything passes by them. They can't watch too much TV and they certainly can't watch the news, nothing that would offend their delicate ears. They can't talk about themselves, at least not with each other. Casey is deeply bothered by this. More than anything she wants to talk to the patients about their lives before all this, how it is that they all seem so normal. But she can't.

At night before Casey goes to sleep a social worker named Ellen talks to her for a while about how she felt for her first day. Casey lies, she says she feels great. She doesn't have to change because she's wearing scrubs. She just showers and brushes her teeth. Tomorrow she'll be meeting with Doctor Rose. Perhaps then she can ask about getting permission to wear her own clothes, like the other patients.

She falls into an uneasy sleep, dreaming of another world far away from the pain she's feeling.

Author's note: Well I really hope you guys still like this story; make sure to review because it makes me so happy.


	5. Chapter 5

Author's note: It's been a couple days since I last updated, but go easy on me, I just started a new term in school. I was a bit sad because not as many people reviewed last time as usual, but I think that's because the people who didn't get the pairing they wanted just decided to like…stop reading lol. Anyways, hopefully it wasn't because the last chapter sucked or anything. I might add in another pairing, other than Casey Elliot with the other characters just to spice things up, but I'm not sure if it would fit well with the story, so review and tell me what you think…

Disclaimer: For the moment…I don't own it.

Sun is flooding through her window; day break has at last come. She stretches, feeling uneasy in this new place. She leaves her bed and opens the door before exiting the room as well. A social worker smiles at her. "About time you wake up," she says.

Casey says nothing, ignoring the woman. She enters the activity room to find that breakfast has already arrived and everyone is in the midst of eating. She grabs her plate and tray and takes the last seat, in between James and Jessica. Jessica openly smiles at her. James says nothing.

Breakfast today is watery eggs and toast. She eats the toast and ignores the eggs. She finds herself a carton of milk from the fridge and downs it. Jessica is the first to finish. "Can we go for a walk?" she asks.

"Possibly, we'll see who Doctor Rose will allow," says a man from the corner of the room, presumably in his 40s wearing scrubs and glasses. He turns to Casey. "Ah, you must be the new patient. I'm Robert," he says.

"Are you a social worker?" Casey questions.

"Yes," he answers. However, Jessica, Will and Georgia all mutter no underneath their breath. Casey ignores the feeling of uneasiness that's been lingering with her since she woke up.

A nurse walks in. "Hello, Casey, I'm Annie; I'm going to take you in for an appointment with Doctor Rose now, is that alright?"

"No," she says. The others snigger.

"I see this lot has been rubbing off on you," Annie says eyeing the other patients. "Come along then." The truth was that she would said that even if she'd never met the other patients, but she doesn't say anymore, just follows. She's being led to the door with no name. It must be where all the interviews take place. She sees Doctor Rose coming, Rose smiles at her, but she frowns slightly.

They enter the room, Rose closing the door behind them. Annie comes with them to copy down notes.

"Well, Casey. How are you doing? It's been a couple of days since we first spoke," Rose asks.

"I'm just great; I think this whole experience has really changed my outlook on life."

"I'd like it if you told me how you're really feeling; it would make getting back to your life a lot easier for you."

"I feel like crap."

"Well, are you still having migraines?"

"No."

"Good," Rose says. "That means your body should have fully healed. Now, is there anything you'd like to talk about?"

"Can I wear my own clothes?"

"I'll tell you when you get new privileges, you needn't ask. Think of coming here as starting clean, starting a new life. You have to earn rights in life, some you get through age and some you get through hard work. We'll be focusing on those you must work towards here," Doctor Rose explains. "Now is there something else you would like to tell me? Something that perhaps you haven't told me yet?"

"No, there isn't."

"Can you tell me about your work?"

"It's a great, fulfilling job."

"How about you tell me some of the, shall we say…darker areas of your job," Rose says.

"I didn't choose the job, it kind of choose me. When I first started I wanted to quit, my co-workers hated me and I couldn't take the emotional toll. My boss wouldn't let me quit though, and now I'm glad that he made me work there."

"Why don't you and your co-workers get along?" Doctor Rose questions.

"Oh, we get along now. It's just at the time I'd come in to replace an old ADA and I suppose they just…missed her."

"How did this make you feel?"

"Not that great," Casey admits.

"Was that when your depression started perhaps?"

Casey shakes her head. "No, no it's been with me a lot longer than that."

Rose pauses for a moment to look at Casey before continuing. "When did it start then?"

"I don't know."

"You must have some sort of idea," Rose encourages.

"Since I was a little girl. I mean, when I met my fiancé, everything was great for a while…and then."

"Then what?"

"He became schizophrenic…I couldn't…I…" She's about to break down, but Rose won't allow it, not on the first session.

Rose puts her hand up. "It's alright; we'll talk about that another time when you feel you're ready."

Despite Casey's best efforts, she's beginning to warm up to Doctor Rose. But she can't allow this woman to know everything about her. There are some things that must stay hidden… right? She'll just pretend to be fine, and get out of here, _reassure her friends_. She doesn't think she'll ever be happy, she lost her fiancé and that was it, her last chance at happiness gone. She's not about to go through that pain again.

"I think I'll allow some visits from your friends, Casey. They seem to be as close to family that I'm going to get with you. The first visits will only be ten minutes long, but if they go well they'll become longer. I'd like to discuss family sessions with you tomorrow though, if that's alright."

"I told you, I don't want to see my family."

Rose nods. "That may change in time, but I was referring to your friends, I think they probably see you more than your family anyways."

"Oh," Casey replies. "Oh…" she can't help but think that this is some elaborate scheme to get her to open up. If Rose thinks this'll work then she's sadly mistaken. However, Casey will at least pretend to be getting better, she doesn't want her friends to fall into this hole with her after all. She can never truly be happy, she doesn't deserve it, but for her friends' sakes, she'll be the closest thing to it: a fraud. So be it.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

"Alex," Cragen says surprised.

"I hear you needed me," she replies, a smirk evident on her face.

Author's note: Alright, sorry that chapter was kinda shorter than the last one. I hope you liked it, drop in a review, the more reviews I get the faster I update.


	6. Chapter 6

Author's note: Forgive me for taking so long to update. I got a little discouraged since the number of review continued to drop. Anyways if you're still interested in this story tell me and I promise to update faster from now on.

Disclaimer: Don't own them…yet.

Breath in. Breath out. Are you happy? Breath in. Breath out. Are you better? No.

She's been in there a week now. A week of being cut off from civilization. It's a little like an alternate universe inside the hospital. Clean and untouched by human hands. Olivia came to visit her, yesterday. It was a short ten minute visit but it was all Casey needed to understand. She understands now. She understands.

In the eyes of her friends she's become something fragile, a porcelain doll to be handled with the utmost care. Will they trust her again? Can they trust her again. She awakens. It's morning now and she can here the chattering of her fellow patients. Everyone is up. Except for her. She lies in silence on her bed. She awaits something she cannot quite comprehend. The epiphany she needs to free herself from this place is just out of reach.

There's suddenly an outburst coming from the recreation room. Casey feels alert, feeling that familiar tingle.

She gets up. She leaves her room and heads towards the recreation room. A nurse stops her. "You can't go in there right now, Casey," she says.

The speakers suddenly come to life. "Code White. I repeat Code White in-

Code white means somebody is getting to be violent. And Casey realizes with a smile, the violence is taking place in her unit. She's been in there a week without much excitement. Now it seems things may finally start to get interesting.

"What's going on?" Casey asks.

Will appears. He gives Casey a smirk. "Three new patients. Georgia's not happy, they're taking her place."

"What place?"

"Exactly," says Will. She squints at him, not entirely sure what he means. But within the next couple of hours she understands. Georgia is in control. Not just of her fellow patients but of the staff as well. Georgia can do whatever she wants. Or at least, she could.

The three new patients are Alexia, Joseph and Andrew. They transferred from another hospital for reasons unknown. It's not common that patients have to transfer hospitals unless the hospital shuts down or it can no longer accommodate to the patients needs. The new patients are all loud and obnoxious. Alexia and Andrew seem quite close, too.

Alexia, Andrew, Joseph and Georgia all seem to act the same. Or at least that's what Casey thinks. They all want the same thing: control. They couldn't control their real lives so they must be the masters of their alternate ones. The only problem is each other. There cannot be four masters.

Will looks over at Casey and gestures for her to follow him. She obeys, leaving the recreation room door and the screams of the patients behind. He's leading her to his room. Strictly speaking, patients are supposed to enter each others rooms, but the staff are all too busy with the fight going on the recreation room.

"Enjoying yourself?" He asks, closing the door behind him.

"Of course. Nothing like waking up to screaming first thing in the morning."

He eyes her for a moment. "I used to work in a box factory. I made sure nothing went wrong, all day every day. That's all I ever did. I used to want a fight to start. Now that there finally is one we can't get in."

"You actually want to get in a fight?"

"Better than looking at boxes all day," he replies.

"Won't you get in trouble, for having me in your room?"

"Yeah. But what are they gonna do? What did you do before this place?" he questions.

"I was a lawyer."

He whistles. "No wonder you're fucked up," he says laughing to himself.

They sit down on his bed. For the most part both of them are silent. Outside someone is yelling 'fuck you!'. His window is open slightly. She doesn't ask how he opened it, she doesn't care. There's bars on the other side of it anyways, so it's not like they could escape.

"How long have you been in this place for?"

"About a year now."

She tries to keep the surprise from showing on her face. "I thought the average stay was only a couple of weeks."

"Yeah, it is. But most of us have been in here far longer than that, Casey. Some people just come and go. They stay for a day then leave. Some really do get better after just a couple of weeks. But there are a few, like me, who stay longer." She tries not to be afraid. But he can see, the fear shinning in her eyes. "You get used to it after a while…and one day you'll wake up and you'll be in your own house again. Good as new."

"Oh," she replies. She wonders how long her stay will be but is too afraid to ask. She's not sure if she'd like the answer. He takes her hand and squeezes it slightly. She blushes, appreciating the gesture.

"Everything will be okay," he says. And for the moment, she believes him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

It's the next day. The patients all gather in the recreation room. The newer patients take a good look at Casey, Will and Jessica but seem to look past James. Everyone looks past James. Except for Casey, for she at least can't help but wonder what goes on in his head. She wants to hear him speak, understand his choice to stay silent.

Alexia and Andrew eat together, away from the group. Joseph, a handsome but rugged looking guy eats alone. Georgia, in an attempt to show her ruling sits with the older patients who've been around longer.

As the day progresses the anger and resentment between all the patients seems to grow. "Casey," says Alison the nurse. "It's time for your session with Doctor Rose."

Casey nods and follows Alison. Before she enters the interview room Alison gives her a stern look. "Listen, Casey. You're a smart woman, you've got a lot going for you, I want to see to it that you leave this place. Promise me you'll try opening up to the Doctor."

"What's the point?" She mutters before entering the room.

Doctor Rose is already there. This is their 6th session, as they don't usually have sessions on weekends. Rose smiles at Casey and ushers her to take a seat.

"So, how did you feel this weekend?"

"Fine."

"I was made aware that you snuck into another patients room while the staff was dealing with a Code White."

"Where you?" Casey asks, her face free of expression.

"You can't go on breaking the rules, Casey. This isn't high school, anymore."

"I know that."

"You're a grown woman. Just because you're away from your career doesn't mean you can act like a teenager."

Realization suddenly dawns on Casey. "You think Will and I…?"

"I don't think anything unless you tell me I should, Casey."

"We didn't do anything, we just talked," Casey says trying to defend herself.

"I'll take your word for it. Let's move on, shall we? We haven't made a lot of progress, Mrs. Novak. We can't keep on playing your little game, pretending that the staff can help you by themselves, we need some effort on your part, too."

"I have been putting in effort, I've been telling you everything you ask! What more do you want?"

"I want you to tell me what happened to make you this way, Casey dear. Why is it that a woman such as yourself, with such a successful career and life should wish harm upon herself?" Casey stares at the doctor. This is the moment she's been avoiding, the question she's been afraid of. She breaths in and out trying to find the place within. Where is that peace of mind? Where's the piece that made it easy? She can't possibly say it. Why does Rose have to ask so much of her? Doesn't she realize that it's too hard to answer her assault of questions? "It's time you tell me everything, Casey. If you want to get out of here, if you want to get better."

And so she starts, her voice shaky, her memories torturing her. "It started when I was I twelve," she begins, only something inside stops her. "I can't do this, I'm sorry."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Will grabs Casey by the wrist as she leaves the interview room. "Come to my room, quickly," he whispers. She follows, unsure of herself.

"What is it?" she asks. He pauses for a moment, her face is red a blotchy.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she replies although she is not. "What is it?"

"Jessica is gone. She escaped. I always knew the kid would do it, Casey. Do you know what this means?" Clearly she does not. His childish excitement doesn't transfer over to her.

"No."

He smiles at her. "It means there's a way out, for all of us. Soon, I don't when, but soon we're all going to get out of here." She stares at him, her face blank.

"You're crazy," she says.

"Look around, Casey. Where do you think you are? This isn't some vocation, you're crazy, too." He smiles at her. "Do you want to get out of here or not? I mean honestly, have you made any progress since getting here? If you ever want to get better, if you ever want to leave this place you have to do it yourself. No amount of therapy or medication is going to make us any less crazy."

"I know."

"So c'mon. You and I, we'll leave together, we'll escape and be free to start a new life. We can do this…together. What do you say?"

"I say no."

"C'mon, Casey. I tell you what, if in a month you're still in here crazy as ever come and escape with me. Hey, we can even bring a couple other people along if they're up to it," he says. "Please?"

"You're crazy," she repeats, but this time she smiles.

Author's note: So tell me what you thought. In case you're all wondering, I do plan on having Casey's stay be a bit on the long side. Anyways I hope you guys liked it. Next chapter we'll take a look into the other characters lives. Uh…right please review if you're still interested because your reviews give me the warm fuzzies.


	7. Chapter 7

Author's note: Sorry it's taken so long to update, I've been banned from the computer. Luckily for you I was able to sneak on tonight. Anyways I didn't have much time so this is just a short update, but I promise you longer chapters.

Disclaimer: Don't own it.

Another week has past and with Casey either refusing or too afraid to speak not much progress has been made. Doctor Rose is considering something she doesn't usually do, bringing Casey's friend into a session. Casey hasn't spoken about many people or anything at all. The one thing they did discuss though was Olivia.

It's all she can do to breath. Just breathe and forget for a little while longer. Just breathe in and out, without the cloud of depression hanging over her head. Learn to breathe, learn to relax, and learn to live again.

As Rose knew Casey would, Casey feels immeasurably guilty. A part of Rose isn't sure if she should bring Olivia into a session. Another more rational part knows that Casey needs to open up. And on some level, although she may not show it, although she may be pushy and occasionally unkind, she does care. She's grown to care about Casey, despite her most professional efforts not to.

She decides to ask Casey if she'd feel comfortable having Olivia in a session. By fluke, or perhaps just mild curiosity to see Olivia Casey says yes.

On the bright side Casey has been awarded the privilege of being able to wear her own clothes again. She's grateful that Olivia won't have to see her in a hospital gown anymore. Of course, she can't wear make-up, but she's a natural beauty and looks fine either way. It's a wonder how she got to be so depressed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Will studies Casey, there's something about her. Something that makes him feel comfortable. He's not sure how he feels about her. On one level he likes her romantically, on another she's like the sister he never had. He can't quite comprehend it. He knows though, he knows far too well that he and Casey will never be together.

Something is about to go down, he can feel it. He is distracted from Casey by a splat sound. He looks around quickly and sees that Joseph has been hit in the head with mashed potato. The perpetrator is clearly Georgia, who despite her best efforts to look innocent fails miserably.

Robert, a social worker yells at Georgia and tells her it's time for a time out. A second later he too is covered in food. It happens very suddenly, everything erupts into chaos. Food is suddenly being thrown this way and that and suddenly Will himself is hit. This is what he's been waiting for, the big fight. He throws a punch at Andrew.

In the heat over everything someone is laughing. No one cares anymore, not even the one who laughs in the midst of the chaos. They all feel the same, as if they were sent here for failing at life. And once you fail, it feels like nothing matters anymore.

Alexia in turn defends Andrew. And just like that the chaos of a food fight becomes something bloody. In the heat over everything someone is laughing. No one cares anymore, not even the one who laughs in the midst of the chaos. They all feel the same, as if they were sent here for failing at life. And once you fail, it feels like nothing matters anymore.

XXXXXXXXXX

Casey is in the midst of a bloody fight. She's not entirely sure how it began, or why but she knows she has to duck for cover. She tries scurrying from the room to the shelter of the staff office but finds herself oddly compelled to stay. It's like the fights that used to go down in her old high school; something always compels you to stay.

The only one completely unaffected is James. He watches the fight for a while with a raised eyebrow. He lets out an exasperated breath and does something that surprises everyone. He speaks. At first, no one is sure if they heard him say it. They all silently turn around. In turn they each stare at him, so he says it again: "Would you guys stop fucking around?"

Casey for her part laughs and then someone punches her and the whole room erupts into chaos once more.

XXXXXXXXXX

She has a black eye and random bruises here and there, but she's okay. She did a pretty good job of defending herself, considering that everyone was attacking everyone. The whole staff is pretty pissed that somehow all the patients managed to get in a fight, except James.

James' voice wasn't what anyone had imagined; it was much softer and breezy sounding than the way anyone pictured it to be. Casey wondered if this meant he was going to talk now, but sure enough the next day he was his silent self again. And no one questioned it; no one wondered or cared, except for Casey.

A nurse calls her in for her appointment with Doctor Rose. She sees Olivia enter the interview room just before her. When she herself gets in Doctor Rose and Olivia are both already comfortably seated.

Olivia's eyes widen. "What happened to you?" she breaths.

Casey shrugs in response. She knows she doesn't look well with her beaten body and black eye, but there's no use in explaining. She takes a shallow breath and stares at Olivia. It's sickening how concerned everyone is for her; concern was the last thing she wanted.

Doctor Rose coughs slightly. "Shall we begin?"

And now it's finally time, not to tell all, not in front of Olivia, but at least to open up. Whether or not she wanted to get better before seeing Olivia's concern makes Casey realize something. It's not important to get better because you want to, but others do. She looks from Olivia to the Doctor. The time has come. It's time to get better.

Author's note: Sorry for the time it took me to update. Anyways once my grounding is over you can expect longer updates and shorter waits. Anyways I do hope you enjoyed so far.


	8. Chapter 8

Author's note: I'm still grounded but here's another short update. Today you lucky rabbits get to find out what really happened to Casey. DUNDUNDUNDUNNNNN…

Also other than Casey/Elliot if there are any other pairings you'd like to see in this story (that don't include Casey or Elliot) then feel free to tell me, although I can't guarantee that I'll use the pairing you suggest, or add any other pairings at all.

Disclaimer: Law and Order SVU belongs to a man who is named after a male genital. Not me. I don't claim it.

For so long she has avoided it, the one question on everyone's mind. But she can't hold it off any longer, it's now or never. The question slides from her lips, "Why?" she asks. Casey stares at her, unsure of how to answer.

"We've all been wondering why you did it, Casey. It took us all by surprise; we'd thought… that you were happy."

"I hadn't intended for you to find me, Liv. If I could do it all over I'd do everything in my power so that you wouldn't find me."

"That's just it though, Case. You would still do it."

She looks down at her palms, unable to look Olivia in the eyes. The silence strangles here and when she finally does speak she finds herself choking on her words. "I'm sorry," she manages to say.

Doctor Rose says nothing, just surveys the two women. "But why?" Olivia asks. "Why did you do it Casey? I know the job gets hard sometimes, but what about me? What about Elliot and Munch, And Beach and Cragen, and all of your lawyer friends. What about everyone who cares about you, why did you try to leave us all behind?"

"I don't fucking know!" she yells in response. "I don't know why I'm so fucked up, I just don't. What the hell, anyways? I didn't do this to fuck you over, I did this for _me_. It's not always about you and everyone else in this God forsaken world, sometimes it's about me, too. Me."

Olivia looks helplessly at her friend. She tries to see past the anger, past the sadness of all the years and see into Casey. Only she can't, it's as if there's a brick wall in front of her friend, one that's been there all along, but she didn't see it until now. She sighs and tries again. "There must be something, Casey, something that started all of this."

She looks away from Olivia, to a window that overlooks the brilliantness of the outside world. Once upon a time she'd been part of that other world, but now things are different. Olivia doesn't, couldn't possibly understand the world Casey lives in. Not now, not ever.

Rose clears her throat and speaks. "Casey, I'm afraid Olivia's right. You don't have a history of mental illness in your family, there has to be a reason for why you feel the way you do."

Still she says nothing, for she is struck by the flickering beauty of the Outside World. The world that betrayed her now calls for her to return. She breathes in, testing her body, trying to see if she's still alive. She turns to Olivia at last and hesitantly speaks. "When I was 12 I killed my best friend. It was an accident; she was a neighbor on my street. I didn't think… I didn't think…it would happen. And now she won't leave me alone, she won't stop haunting me, and all I want is to see her again and tell her how sorry I am."

"Casey…" Olivia mutters, completely amazed by her friend's confession.

"How did it happen?" Rose questions.

"Her parents had died and her uncle took care of her. He rapped her every night; and I… I thought I could save her by helping her run away. So one night we fled together, we were going to live together on the streets, and sing for money, be free from the pains of home. Only we got to a bad part of town, and all these men saw us and were looking at us. Mostly her, she looked like she was 16.

"We tried just walking past them, but they followed us. I told them to fuck off and then someone pulled out a gun. My dad had taught me how to use a gun, but not how to avoid one. All these shots were fired and somehow someone dropped their gun. I grabbed it and fired thinking I was shooting at one of the guys, only I hit my friend instead." She starts crying, caught up in the memory.

"The men ran away because someone called the cops and I was left with my friend. She died right there in my arms. I came from a rich family, no one asked any questions, and the police didn't even care because she was an immigrant, they just assumed she'd been shot by one of the men and left it be… I just wish I hadn't run away with her, I should have just told someone about her uncle. But I didn't and thanks to me she's dead."

"It's not your fault, sweetie, you were only 12," Olivia murmurs, but this doesn't soothe Casey, instead she burst into sobs, unable to control herself.

"I think you should tell your story more, Casey. In time it will be easier to talk about. For now though I think it's been a tough session and it's time we rap up."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Christmas is approaching and back at the squad not a moment is wasted in putting up decorations. Mistletoe is in the middle of the room, and is avoided at all costs. Cragen claims that any two people who step under the mistletoe and don't kiss will get 20$ off their paycheck. Even to an outsider it's obvious that Cragen has a Christmas party planned this year, much to Munch's annoyance.

"Let me just remind you people, I'm Jewish!"

"Hey I'm not Christian but I'm not turning down free food," Beach says.

"Captain, do you even celebrate Christmas?" Fin asks, ducking under some streamers to get to his desk.

"Uh, sure, why not?"

"That's not an answer," Munch mutters darkly underneath his breath.

While everyone else is caught up in the squad's watered down version of the Christmas spirit Elliot is trapped in his thoughts. He can't help but wonder how Olivia is fairing with her session with Casey. A part of him wonders if Casey will be there for the party, but thinks better of raising the issue.

The thought occurs to him that perhaps he misses Casey more than everyone else, except maybe Olivia. Only he seems to be thinking of her right now. He pushes the thought to the back of his head and joins in on the conversation.

"Has anyone invited Alex yet?"

Author's note: Okay people tell me what you thought, whether it be good or bad. I can be a bit of a review whore, I know, but reviews give me the warm fuzzies! I can't help it!


	9. Chapter 9

Author's note: I can't quite come up with a real explanation for why it's taken me so long to update. I don't really expect anyone to review, but I figure I should write more for this story anyway. I always enjoyed this one the most… I just wasn't sure what else I wanted in the story, how to end it, that sort of thing. Anyways I think that you can at least expect it to be done within a few more chapters. Okay, sorry for the long author's note, on to the actual story.

Disclaimer: I don't own them.

She lays awake but with her eyes closed, dimly aware of what day it is. It's Christmas and she's still locked up. Her confession was not the key to freedom that she had expected. For some reason a part of her had admittedly believed that if she admitted to why she was depressed she'd be let out.

On the other hand she's going to get brave and ask Doctor Rose for a privilege. She remembers what Rose said, that she needn't ask for privileges because Rose herself would decide when she was ready for one. Nevertheless she's going to at least tell the doctor what it is she wants.

So she decides she'll behave today, go along with the false Christmas banter and cheer. Pretending to be happy is something she's done for years, something she's an expert at. If she wants to ever leave this place she knows she has to learn how to play the game. She knows that she's got to learn how to fool people, make them think she's okay, because if they don't she might end up like Will and stay in this God forsaken place for over a year.

Of course he's another matter. He's her only friend in the unit, the only patient that seems more worried about her than they are themselves. He whispered once to her while he was certain the staff couldn't hear, "You are my sister."

However she still feels nervous around him. She can't help but remember her promise to him. That if she hadn't gotten better after a month, she'd leave with him. Escape. The idea seems tantalizing to her, for she's terribly sick of the place already. On the other hand she keeps seeing the faces of her friends, not just her colleagues or even the women she knows outside of work. She sees everyone, all the way back to _her_. Hers was a life that was ended at 12, but one that continues to haunt Casey, even now.

Casey decides to get up and go eat. If she's going to pretend to be happy she can't stay in bed on Christmas day.

Alison, the staff member, stops her. "Hey there, I want to talk to you about something in private, if that's alright." Something in Casey feels wary, but she just nods.

The nurse motions for Casey to return to her room, and once they are both inside she shuts the door tightly behind them. "This is about Will," Alison says, not wasting any time in cutting to the chase.

"Oh.. geez," Casey mutters. "You don't think we're like that do you?"

"No, you're mistaken there. This is about Will, not _Will and Casey_."

"Oh. I don't understand, you're not supposed to talk to me about other patients, are you?"

"Strictly speaking, no," Alison pauses, her face thoughtful. "Will tried escaping the other night, but when we caught him in the act he assured us he was just testing out the system. He said he wouldn't actually leave without you."

"I thought you said this was only about Will."

"It is. Listen Casey, whatever it is you two were planning, I know you're better than that," Alison sees Casey is opening her mouth to speak but she doesn't stop talking. "I need you to tell me if he ever mentions anything about escaping again."

"I'm not some high schooler, I'm not about go running to teacher every time Will acts up."

"I know you care about Will, Casey, but he's mentally ill. He has to stay in here in order to get better, same with you." Casey sighs, she knows what Alison is saying is true. "Listen Casey, his name isn't even William. I'm not aloud to tell you his real name, or how long he's been here. However you've got to understand that most of the information he's giving you is false. He told us a lot about the plan you two made last night when we caught him. As I understand he told you that Jessica escaped, am I correct?"

Casey nodded. "Listen I don't need to hear this crap, I'm a grown woman."

"Jessica got better, Case'. Right now she's probably out taking her dog for a walk in Central Park. She's an out-patient now, she sees Doctor Rose every other week. She-

"I don't understand why you're telling me this." Casey felt suddenly betrayed. Could it be true? Did Will really lie to her, or was Alison lying to her now? Her throat closes up and despite her earnest efforts she can't keep her eyes from watering. _You are my sister_, he'd said. Was that really the truth, did he really care?

"Don't be upset, Casey. William doesn't mean you any harm. I just think that since you're at a higher stage of progression, and since you seem to care about him, you could help us look out for him."

Casey opens her mouth but finds herself unable to speak.

"It's highly unprofessional for me to talk to you about this, Casey. But please consider what I said."

XXXXXXXXxxx

Alexia and Andrew had left the unit for the day to spend time with their families. The young attorney feels jealous of their privileges. As far as she's concerned she's much more sane than them.

Will gives her a small smile and a wink. However she finds it extremely difficult to muster up the strength and simply smile back. She manages a smirk, but even he can tell there's something wrong.

Joseph and Gorgia are likely still asleep, though it's getting close to noon. James is as per usual silent. Today however he actually looks her in the eyes and Casey is shocked at the intelligence behind them.

Casey turns as Alison says her name. "Someone's are here to see you," she explains. The young attorney raises an eyebrow, a visitor this early?

She returns to her room expecting to see Olivia or maybe her friend Anna. Instead she sees Elliot, looking awkward and holding a wrapped gift in his hands. He looks at her apologetically. "Sorry, Liv will be by later… I just thought I should drop by on my way to see Kathy and the kids."

"Do you need a chair?" she asks.

"Nah, I'm good."

It's the first time that Elliot has visited alone. Usually he comes with Olivia, or one of the other detectives. So Casey can't help but feel a little awkward.

"So," she mutters. "How are the kids doing?"

Her question is answered with a smirk. "I'm not here to tell you about my kids, Case'. I'm here to talk about you. Of course, I'm open to bragging about them if that's what you want to hear."

She almost laughs, but finds it gets caught in her throat. Something about him being here has completely caught her off guard. "That's okay… I um," she feels flustered and confused. It shouldn't be this awkward but in truth it feels funny because the last time she was left alone with a man was when she'd sat in William's room.

"This is for you," He says, handing her the wrapped gift. He sees her looking at the parcel nervously. "What where's my gift?" He jokes. She rolls her eyes and unwraps the gift.

For a while she's not sure if she should laugh or not. "Seriously?" She questions.

"I couldn't resist."

She feels immediately relieved that it's only a coffee mug. Although she knows she didn't have any options, she still feels bad about not getting anyone anything for Christmas.

"World's Best Attorney?" she half mutters, half laughs.

"The one and only,"


End file.
